what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
We need a shit load of segways right now
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
