I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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