I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
