hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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