There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
