I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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