That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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