well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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