I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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