Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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