I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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