And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
