Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
