Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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