so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
