No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
