The maid of honor just puked.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
