Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
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