Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
