She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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