Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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