dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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