for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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