do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Everclear isn't food dammit
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
