How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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