How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
