im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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