I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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