Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
