there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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