Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
