Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
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