if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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