Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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