at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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