and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
soo... how was my night?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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