The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Randomize
