Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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