I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
