I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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