I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
there's paper in my vomit.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
