i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
