you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
