If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
