So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
