Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
