the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
