2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
