last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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