Betty ford says i'm here all night
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
