Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
